I must be missing something that goes on at cashpoints. At Sainsbury’s yesterday I was standing in the rain with two people ahead of me in the queue for the cashpoint. Both took an inordinate amount of time to simply withdraw cash and they seemed to press an unaccountable number of buttons.

As far as I can tell it’s card in, then the PIN, which is four key presses (the PIN doesn’t even require enter). Then it’s one key press to select cash only and one key press to select the money you want from the list. So it should really be six key presses and then you’re done. Let’s be generous and say you’re an awkward bastard who doesn’t care about the people getting soaked behind you and you don’t want one of the preset denominations of money. That would be maybe another three or four key presses.

Either way, you’re going to be done in under ten keypresses and less than a minute.

So what in the name of the rain god are people doing spending many minutes and dozens of key presses at a cashpoint? Can you send emails from cashpoints these days? I mean they can’t need their balance or anything like that because we have online banking these days. People can do that from home beforehand, where it’s dry.

Fortunately I have a solution. Cashpoints need a one minute timer that starts when you insert your card. If you exceed that time limit the bank should send a huge bolt of electricity through the cashpoint to fry you to ashes. One of the Sainsbury’s people could then just sweep you up and make the cashpoint available to the people standing in the rain behind you.

I think I’ve found a nice balanced solution to the problem there.