Stock 5g image. About ten years ago someone stole our telephone exchange and plunged the entire village I live in into a communications Stone Age.

Carrier pigeons were flung squawking into the air to pass important communiques. Carts were dusted off and tethered to reluctant horses. I think we had our first case of leprosy since 1798.

So, no landlines and no broadband. So use your mobile phones, I hear a bespectacled student shout from the back row.

Well, we can't. We have no mobile phone reception either. Actually that’s a bit of lie, you can sometimes get one bar of reception whilst you’re dialling a number but that will inevitably drop to no bars as soon as somebody answers.

When our telephone exchange was finally restored to working order I spoke to my mobile phone operator to vent my spleen about our lack of reception here, but they didn’t really care.

Instead we hear announcements of 3G, 4G and now 5G, sponsored by the Chinese Intelligence Service I'm led to believe. It irritates me to see these Gs incrementing like this when we’re effectively 0G for most of the time. People in the most populous boroughs of London might get 5G but what of the rest of us?

You may wag your finger and say that this is the price I pay for living in the countryside and by way of compensation I have sheep to look at, but surely it’s just a matter of a few more transmitter masts. I can’t believe they’re all that expensive in the grand scheme of things. They certainly don’t look expensive.

As it happens I now have a mobile phone plan that allows me to dial out through my wireless network but many operators don’t have such facilities.

And there’s still the matter of text messages. I would rather amputate my head than send a text message but banks keep trying to send login security codes to me via text message, and that’s just pointless. So now I just guess how much money I’ve got and hope for the best.

I suppose I have the opposite problem to those who live in civilisation. They’ll use their entire data allowance in 30 seconds with 5G, whereas I can’t use any of my data allowance no matter how hard I try.