I was reading the BBC’s article about how ultra-processed foods cause cancer and wish to cast this as part of a conspiracy theory. I like a good conspiracy theory. I never believe them of course but I think they’re often jolly entertaining.

We get told a lot about our diet’s influence on our health and I think it’s all poppycock. It’s all part of a grand scheme concocted by the government and the people who cultivate sprouts.

If you look at the way it goes, it starts by saying ‘eat sensibly’ and then moves on to ‘eat fruit and vegetables’ and then it gets more specific about the vegetables we have to eat. Potatoes are no good, onions don’t rate and even carrots aren’t good enough according to campaigners. No, they say, it’s cruciferous vegetables we really must eat. The next step will be to narrow that down even further and say that sprouts are the only thing we must eat, ever.

Nobody really likes cruciferous vegetables and in particular nobody likes sprouts. Yes, you’ll hear people say that they do but those people are stone bonkers and can be discounted for research purposes. Sprouts are the devil’s work and should absolutely not be consumed under any circumstances.

So it’s clear why sprout cultivators are pushing this agenda but what’s in it for the government? Well, I’ll tell you. The government wants us to have a miserable baseline existence. They want this so that every crumb of comfort we receive from them is grasped with much thanks and enthusiasm. And what better way to make people miserable than to feed them sprouts?

Don’t you ever think it’s a coincidence that just about every food we really like is allegedly bad for us? Fried breakfasts, rare steaks, roast pork with crackling, chips, Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream, a nice slice of gateaux or cheesecake, Beef Flavoured Hula Hoops (universally known as the best crisp there is). All these nice things are allegedly bad for us.

But I fall back on evolution. Our bodies will have evolved to tell us what we need to eat by making the beneficial things extremely tasty. Why would any organism evolve tastebuds that tell it to eat stuff that’s bad for it? That flies in the face of Darwin.

On that basis rests my argument. Don’t be a pawn for the government and militant sprout growers.

I feel I have to recommend that you don’t believe any of what I’ve just written. That should be obvious but, in the era of alleged fake news in which we live, I thought I should point it out.

Go and eat a plate of sprouts if that’s what turns you on.