It was BBC2’s Eggheads that started me on this. The answer to one of their questions was ‘If’ by Telly Savalas, which was a song I’d blissfully forgotten about until that moment but the horror of it all came flooding back thanks to Jeremy Vine.
I thought I’d partner it with four more howlers from the 60s and 70s. I’m not saying these are the worst those decades produced, but they’re certainly contenders.
‘If’ by Telly Savalas
Let’s start with this since I’ve already mentioned it. I can’t imagine this was Telly’s idea. It has the feel of something a producer thought would be a good idea to cash in on his Kojak fame at the time. It is truly dreadful. He doesn’t even sing.
‘Don’t Give Up On Us’ by David Soul
Another 70s detective having a pop at the music scene. I suppose, unlike Telly, he actual sang. Of sorts. But it’s just too sickly to tolerate. I can’t listen to it for more than 30 seconds without wanting to vomit.
‘She’ by Charles Aznavour
Why? Just why?
‘White Horses’ by Jacky (Jackie Lee)
I feel kind of bad picking this out because my late wife loved it, although I think mainly for nostalgic reasons. It was the theme tune to a Yugoslav-German TV programme about a white horse that was stolen and then painted a different colour to try and hide the crime (I kid you not). The horse is eventually recovered in good health (it had obviously never heard its own theme tune) and a young girl forms a bond with it. It ran for about a dozen tedious episodes.
The show was originally released in the 60s but I remember it from the 70s. A poorly dubbed version of it was served up either before, during or after The Banana Splits (featuring Fleegle, Bingo, Drooper and Snork of course) on Saturday mornings if memory serves.
The theme tune was released as a single just to punish us a little more.
Anyway, experience the terror for yourselves. This particular clip is the actual start sequence to the programme and it runs into a few minutes of the programme itself just to increase the pain.
‘All Kinds of Everything’ by Dana
I’m sorry but this is my least favourite song of all time. It’s not that she has a bad voice or anything. The song itself is just too … twee. That’s the only word I can find in my vocabulary to describe why I hate it. If too many twee particles collect in one place there’s a good chance the universe as we know it will end. Alas Dana somehow survived this phenomenon unscathed and won 1970’s Eurovision Song Contest with it.
The universe should have collapsed but it hung around and gave us this unmitigated, far-too-cute nonsense instead. Enjoy.